New Year
New Life
Waiting to arrive
New Anticipation
New Promises
Waiting to be seen
New Hope
New Blessings
Thank God
Memories
Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
Growing up I was always a tomboy. (those who know me are likely not surprised by this) I had a favorite toy dump truck as a kid; a yellow, metal one with the Tonka brand. It was quite special to me and I cared for it well. My backyard was often turned into a construction zone with 'projects' of dirt, hammers, nails and old wood. My parents were either too busy to notice or ever grateful that I had found something positive to occupy my energy with. The only rule was that I couldn't attach anything to the house or garage. That being said, the trees were often the victims of my creations and imagination games. My best friends dad's were cops and firemen (as was almost everyone on our block in Chicago's southwest side) and as such after school days in the front yards were consumed with pretend rescues and emergencies. On more than one occasion you could find the smaller kids handcuffed to a light pole, waiting for their merciful release. This and a few other memories of playing '500' in the alley with the local boys, skateboarding in the park and whole afternoons of 'cops and robbers' makes me less surprised of the types of excitement I seek as a grown up. I owned only one or two Barbies, and they lived a difficult life.
But playtime is one thing, real life another. I struggle now some days to make sense of the real situations I see; not only in the FD but in our community, my church ministry and among those whom I call my friends. I look not to the local gang of kids for support but a new group of advisers whose training and experience both pastorally and professionally far exceed my own. Most rewarding and renewing is that I daily have the opportunity to do some good. And it is by the power of my faith and the love of the God whom I know so intimately that compels me to continue, moving ever forward into a new realm of opportunity and possibility.
I am privileged to lead a courageous congregation into a service to others. I am blessed with a family who is willing to share me, often at their own loss...and this is something I increasingly must guard against. But there are many joys too...wedding coming up at church, new families joining and lives being healed and calmed. Smiles come with the faces of our children each time I see them and friendships are strengthened around simple pleasures of coffee and treats. These things keep me on track, looking forward with anticipation and hopefulness to each new day.
While some days I wish I could go back to the games and scenarios of my childhood, the safety of calling time out when it got too real or a distraction came into play, I know that help is available now too, through the support of friends, members and colleagues and the ever present peace that God gives to carry out whatever task he calls us to.
Life's Journey
She was sleeping when I walked in.
Not soundly, but restfully.
A good moment in a difficult time.
Her skin was like onion peel, mottled, thin.
Chest rising and falling with great effort.
The struggle can be heard, felt, experienced.
I watched. Prayed. Lovingly and quietly asking God for presence in her dying.
As she slowly awoke, I stood silently with gown and gloves, protecting myself and others from the mysteries of infection that have taken hold of her weakened state. Wires connected her to machines that counted beats and breaths. Tubes fed fluids and medication to fight the enemies that are against her. Sterile presentation in a room of raw emotion and spirit and life's journey. An odd paradox.
The oxygen drying her nasal passages and throat, her voice raspy and soft, each breath rattles with congestion. "It's hard to talk, it hurts." she says. 'We don't have to talk." I said. "But I like to talk," she answered with a smile. So we did. I sat by her side, held her fragile hand. Listening carefully to each word.
"This is killing me. I'm dying." she whispered. "Are you ready for that?" I asked.
"Not yet. I have things to do."
"Then you should do them." I said.
"Yes," she replied. "I am. Would you help me with the papers? Would you write for me? It's hard to write. I have the papers at home. I'll get them. Would you be there?"
Yes. Whatever you need that I can do. I will help you.
"You're tired now, and should rest." Her eyes closed softly.
"Would you like me to visit again?" I asked. "Yes. That would be fine."
"May I pray with you before I go?" "Yes. I'd like that."
Her eyes stayed closed. And we prayed. And the gown and the gloves and the tubes and the wires didn't matter then. Two souls joined humbly before God in a moment of life's journey. This is all that mattered. It was a good day.
Finding Hope
I attended a 2 day hospital conference on cancer diagnosis, treatment options and survivorship this week. I learned that I had a lot of old information and my view of a cancer diagnosis was not consistent with the hope and options that people have now. This is good news because a close family member was recently diagnosed with colon cancer and as a family we are all a little scared and sad. But we have hope, and it sounds like there is a lot being done and that can be done medically and hope for healing is realistic. This is a good thing.
What I also learned this week however, was that hope, and healing for that matter, can come in a lot of ways that are not physical. Care of the spirit is equally important and valued along side care of the body. In my own worry I needed a reminder of these things. An illness, even amidst suffering, can give a family the chance to come together. It can provide people perspective on life and a sense of spirituality. Difficult times can cause a person to grow emotionally and gain a deeper awareness of self. Healing and hope can come by coming to terms that there is more to this life than this world. Prayer can heal a wounded spirit. It can allow people to experience compassion and help them to know they are not alone. When we call out, O God! Why? ...we are heard by the almighty. God is with us.
Perhaps this last gift is that which is most needed. Presence; of family, friends, caregivers and ministers, can offer a sense of love and comfort which is healing and hopeful. To simply be with someone- just as they are - is sometimes the best medicine of all.
Connected
Like a web, God has woven us together in families and communities for a reason. We need each other. Going life alone is too hard, and unnecessary. Actually, like a web, we are stronger together.
Sometimes I forget that and feel badly about leaning on a friend for support. I'm one of those strong people, that thinks I can handle anything. But even strong people need comfort, need guidance and need love. I wish I understood that 15 or 20 years ago. How different my choices may have been. I've always tried to be there for others, but pridefully denying self care can and often has been destructive. With years comes wisdom, I guess.
I've got a lot of great friends, and I have a wonderful family at home, and am learning to appreciate that I also have a family at the fire department. I've learned that strength comes in honoring those relationships, both as someone who gives and also receives. I hope these lessons and gifts will be something I can share for a long time to come.
All starts as a seed
A seed
Planted in shallow soil
Swept by wind, rain warmed by Son
Remains steady, struggles and grows
Small sprouts, pruned lightly
Surviving by strong roots
When winter comes again and again
And someday blossoms
Into beauty
A journey made new
Transformed
And here we are
Our lives and those of others
Seeds planted by God
Surviving and sometimes thriving
Becoming what God made us
Showing our color and ability
To share ourselves
Where has God planted seeds?
We may never know
But they are everywhere
and sometimes
we are blessed to see them grow.
